I have suffered damage. I have cracks. It's up to me to fill them and make myself whole again. No one will or can do it for me. And so, I find myself again looking for those places in my life that need changed or filled or smoothed. I've let myself slip in a lot of ways over the last month and since my last post. I stopped exercising, I started eating badly again, I stopped being that positive goal oriented, life changing person I was set to become. I wish I hadn't but I did. I let all the ups and downs get me down and get me off track. I don't want my daughter or my family or myself for that matter to look back at me in 30 years and think, "that's where she really messed up and lost it." I want to look back in 5, 10, 20 years and be proud of the fact that I didn't let life knock me to the floor and keep me there. I want to look back and be proud of the mother, daughter, sister, friend, nurse, PERSON, that I became after this. And the nice thing is that I know I still have time to change. There is nothing holding me back but my own laziness or my own brain. I have no one to really answer to now. My mind and heart and spirit are my own to do with as I wish. That is freeing and sad at the same time. I have so much work to do. And its draining for heaven's sake! :) But I'm so close to being done with school (well this part of it), so close to having a steady job of my own for the first time in over 5 years! I can make the changes to my eating and exercise again, and I WILL. I want to- for me. And for Anna. It's gonna be worth it. As I keep telling my dear friend Tedra, we just have to hold on a little longer and it will all be worth it.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
The New Me
So... for sure there is no going back or reworking with Adam. I really really struggled with this when it finally became apparent to me. When he first left this summer, I was pretty destroyed. And then I started to rebuild my life without him in it. And then that nasty thing called hope crept back into my heart. Then it was dashed to the floor again. And before I really had time to recover from that dashing, hope crept back in again. And then shortly after, was dashed even harder to the floor. That cycle happened... oh I don't know.... A THOUSAND TIMES!! I know he perhaps didn't mean to be cruel or maybe realize how cruel it was, but wow... you should not play with people's hearts like that. It was terrible and damaging and it left scars. And it left broken places. Broken places that are jagged and cracked and have holes. I say that not to complain or get sympathy or bad mouth Adam- after all, I suppose he has to do what makes him happy. I say that to say that I've done some intense mourning the last few months. Especially this last one. I'm not over it, I'm not completely happy and leaping for joy every day, but I am seeing more clearly. I am ready to step out of this yucky old skin that is keeping me from growing, keeping me from becoming who I want to be now. I'm falling back on this thought from a previous blog :
I have suffered damage. I have cracks. It's up to me to fill them and make myself whole again. No one will or can do it for me. And so, I find myself again looking for those places in my life that need changed or filled or smoothed. I've let myself slip in a lot of ways over the last month and since my last post. I stopped exercising, I started eating badly again, I stopped being that positive goal oriented, life changing person I was set to become. I wish I hadn't but I did. I let all the ups and downs get me down and get me off track. I don't want my daughter or my family or myself for that matter to look back at me in 30 years and think, "that's where she really messed up and lost it." I want to look back in 5, 10, 20 years and be proud of the fact that I didn't let life knock me to the floor and keep me there. I want to look back and be proud of the mother, daughter, sister, friend, nurse, PERSON, that I became after this. And the nice thing is that I know I still have time to change. There is nothing holding me back but my own laziness or my own brain. I have no one to really answer to now. My mind and heart and spirit are my own to do with as I wish. That is freeing and sad at the same time. I have so much work to do. And its draining for heaven's sake! :) But I'm so close to being done with school (well this part of it), so close to having a steady job of my own for the first time in over 5 years! I can make the changes to my eating and exercise again, and I WILL. I want to- for me. And for Anna. It's gonna be worth it. As I keep telling my dear friend Tedra, we just have to hold on a little longer and it will all be worth it.
I have suffered damage. I have cracks. It's up to me to fill them and make myself whole again. No one will or can do it for me. And so, I find myself again looking for those places in my life that need changed or filled or smoothed. I've let myself slip in a lot of ways over the last month and since my last post. I stopped exercising, I started eating badly again, I stopped being that positive goal oriented, life changing person I was set to become. I wish I hadn't but I did. I let all the ups and downs get me down and get me off track. I don't want my daughter or my family or myself for that matter to look back at me in 30 years and think, "that's where she really messed up and lost it." I want to look back in 5, 10, 20 years and be proud of the fact that I didn't let life knock me to the floor and keep me there. I want to look back and be proud of the mother, daughter, sister, friend, nurse, PERSON, that I became after this. And the nice thing is that I know I still have time to change. There is nothing holding me back but my own laziness or my own brain. I have no one to really answer to now. My mind and heart and spirit are my own to do with as I wish. That is freeing and sad at the same time. I have so much work to do. And its draining for heaven's sake! :) But I'm so close to being done with school (well this part of it), so close to having a steady job of my own for the first time in over 5 years! I can make the changes to my eating and exercise again, and I WILL. I want to- for me. And for Anna. It's gonna be worth it. As I keep telling my dear friend Tedra, we just have to hold on a little longer and it will all be worth it.
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