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***warning- probably a sad and raw blog is to follow so anyone who doesn't wish to read- no hard feelings***

I had to say goodbye to a very beloved grandfather this week. It was rather sudden and unexpected and man does it hurt to say goodbye. Several things have impressed themselves on my mind as we traveled through this experience. I process things best by talking about them- sometimes til people want to scream at me to shut up about it already. This situation is different for me- the pain is a little too deep, a little too hurtful to talk openly and at length about. So I choose this method to get out some of the feelings bouncing around my heart.

About a week before we lost Grandpa, a friend shared this thought with me about marriage: "The standard of beauty and love in a marriage shouldn't come from the first day of your married life, but rather should focus on the last day." This thought was lived in front of me in the week and hours leading up to Grandpa's passing. I stood by his bed and watched my Grandma stroke his forehead and cheeks and all I saw was an elderly woman standing by the bed of a man she loved, no matter that his hair was mostly gone, no matter that his body was weakened and he struggled to walk sometimes, no matter that his hands sometimes shook and he needed her help with a lot of his daily activities. There was no resentment of the time it took to take care of him. The love was deep and it was shining in her eyes, swimming in the tears she tried to keep from spilling down her cheeks. It was apparent in how she kept a hand on him almost at all times- as if she knew that somewhere, in some depths of conciousness, he knew she was there and that he needed her down to this very last day of his life. She told me that the hours before he passed away, she prayed over and over that he would go, because his breathing was so labored and she didn't want him to suffer anymore. I love to watch older couples taking care of each other. Sometimes, they are both so unstable that you have to wonder who is helping who. But either way, it is so touching to see the undying support and love between those two people who are depending on only each other to get through their days. Almost as if they know that they can no longer do certain things on their own, but together they still make a team that can accomplish what needs to be done- each one filling in where the other lacks. If you pray, please pray for my grandma, as she adjusts to being on her own now. She is a strong believer and a strong woman, but it must be so difficult to face the empty bedroom, the empty chair, his Bible that he will not pick up again.

On the way to his hometown for visitation, there were so many buildings, fields, ponds, even signs that pulled at my heart, gently saying "remember?" I don't know if everyone is like this or just me, but sometimes the strangest thing will catch my eye and a feeling of homesickness for the past will rise up so strong it almost chokes me. For instance, wandering around outside my grandparents house, I walked over a piece of sidewalk that is cracked in a funny pattern I have never seen anywhere else. And it reached out and grabbed my attention, crying out to me of hot summers outside Grandma's house, of bright yellow and orange marigolds lining the sidewalk begging to be picked, the honeysuckle spilling over the back wall of the porch, the porch swing, the strip of fly catcher hanging from the ceiling, the colored glass in the window, of Grandpa reading his beloved western books until one certain ornery granddaughter sprayed him in the face with a garden hose.... These things, these "threads" all normally weave together in one big tapestry of my life, staying hidden in the recesses and files of my mind until they are called forward by something, catching the light to shine brightly for a second and to remind me of something from the past, something bittersweet only because the time has now passed. How extremely precious these threads are to me- how I wish I could record everything more perfectly in my mind and heart so that I would never lose the detail surrounding them. All I can do now is try and get them recorded as best as I can remember them, so that I don't lose even one more thing.

Grandpa loved to fish. He loved to fish more than just about anything outside of his family. He took us with him all the time when we were younger. I can remember climbing up in his old light blue truck, windows down, wind blowing in your face, white styrofoam bait holder in the back of the truck, red canteen full of ice water right beside it, sometimes with stink bait or livers on the seat beside you, fishing poles in the back. Seemed like when you pulled up to the ponds, there were always weeds to wade through- even though he took us to the ones easiest to get to. Grandma wore floppy hats. Grandpa wore his old faded jeans, some sort of lightweight plaid short sleeve shirt, with a ballcap on his bald head, and fishing boots on his feet. We sat up the chairs and the bait bucket and the canteen and then Grandpa would scour the ground or trees for good Y shaped branches so he could cast out more than one pole at a time and not have to hold them all. He would bait my hook and help me fish. The day of his funeral, my uncle Tony took all the grandkids out to the pond he almost always took us to, and we all threw out lures and corks into the pond in his honor. I am so glad we did that- it was a different kind of thing then the funeral, a different send off- just from the kids he cared so deeply for. I know he would have liked that.

We buried Grandpa on what seemed like the hottest day ever. We all trekked out to this little teeny tiny family cemetery, our cars distanced the perfect way apart- close enough to keep track of each other, and far enough away to be able to see through all the blinding white dust kicked up from the country roads. He had an honor guard for his service in the Korean war. I was extraordinarily touched by this group of veterans- I am not trying to be mean in any way but these poor old men were so old and shakey that I was a little concerned they wouldn't be able to actually get the guns to fire. The two men that folded up Grandpa's flag could barely even get their hands to stop shaking long enough to get the flag folded properly. And yet they came out in the searing heat to give Grandpa the honor he deserved. I love those men for sacrificing their time, their comfort to come out and share in our grief.

I lost my other grandpa a little over 4 years ago now, so I know that the pain from losing them doesn't go away. Rather it heals enough to dull the pain a little, so that it isn't in your heart every second of the day. I still miss my Papa and I know I will miss Grandpa forever. The only way I can describe it is that my world is no longer "right", it is now missing a huge piece of it. The gap fills in a little, replaced by other people, daily cares, and time. But I don't want it to fill in completely because if I can't have them, then I at least want the memories there to hold their places forever in my heart.

I've created a monster

As everyone knows- I failed the "getting your child to sleep on their own" part of motherhood. And when I say failed, I mean completely, totally, with absolutely no chance of even retaking the class kind of failed. And I don't really care so don't bother sending me any sleep advice! I've read it all, heard it all, and basically ignored it all. :)

Well, recently, we have added a new thing to the chain of things that must be done to successfully get Anna to sleep at night. When she was a baby, she never really enjoyed having her head or back rubbed or her hair played with. In fact she hated it so much that I questioned how in the world our genetics could actually make up a child that didn't like having her back rubbed.

Somehow, in the last couple of months, this has all changed. One night she actually let me rub her back. SHOCK! Now, the girl wants her back rubbed every single time sleep is even mentioned! Not only does she want her back rubbed, she wants it rubbed until she is in that deep nothing will wake her up stage of sleep. I apparently stopped rubbing her back to early one night because the poor little thing raised up and looked at me with sadness in her eyes and exclaimed "but my back is still rubby!'

Just talking....

it is HOT people! I just got out my scissors and cut off my pajama pants from the knee down. And I love these pants. But they had to go- they were making me feel crazy in the head all holding in the extra heat on my legs. It was an immediate relief. I am not a summer person- not a lay out in the sun or a play in the sun or a soak in the sun. I am a soak in the beautiful invention called air conditioning. Problem being... I have a 3 yr old that loves to be outside in the sun!

On the list for this week is making serious progress on home organization and cleaning. I am always amazed at how I can clean my house in the morning and it's a pit again before Adam gets home. I know somedays he must come home and just think "really?"

Don't have much else to talk about- I think I'm definitely boring these days!

Organization

Now that our porch is done for the summer and our landscaping is torn all to heck (which is as far as I can go right now til my rock people finish taking it all), I am tackling some of my indoor projects. Projects are harder with a 3 yr old "helping" btw. Today I ran to Lowe's and got a little tiny shelf to help organize our linen closet turned craft and toy closet. It was a little smaller height wise than I anticipated and definitely too small for the cute trendy baskets I bought to go in it, but luckily I had some baskets that fit for now. I am happy with the shelf though and I think I'll get some more. I have several areas of the house that I would like to use these neat little systems that all work together and you can build it as you need/want it. Of course, I covet those wonderful closet organizing systems that cost like $4,000 and come with matching baskets that slide in and out and matching hangers! But for now, I'll settle for the small one!

Random

1. Add a beautiful bluebird to my list of birds seen in my backyard.

2. I THINK we might be making some headway on potty training....again. Now to keep her from falling in the toilet again and ruining all our progress.

3. I heart watermelon. I already ate my first one of the season in about 3 days. Shut up- it was small! and delicious! Besides- those things are mostly just water anyway.

4. I just had a fun conversation with Anna about "printfeets". After she got out of her bath, her wet feet left "printfeets" on the bathroom rug. I successfully taught her to say footprints. Then she told me the footprints didn't match her feet because her feet had painted nails on them. :)

5. I am starving.

6. I am trying out twitter so if anyone out there twitters- find me so I will be motivated to actually use it!

7. Tigger is my favorite Pooh character - although I have a sneaky appreciation for Rabbit too. Cause he's mean. I always like the mean characters the best.

8. I hate losing all my tv shows for the summer but I do really like all the reality contest shows. Not the dumb celebrity ones. The cooking, modeling, fashion, and decorating ones! I also sure wish The Tudors would come back on. I hope that hasn't been on this whole time and I was just missing it. That would suck.

9. I am going out later today to try and find some helpful shelving for my hall linen closety-thing. I have all our craft/scrapbooking stuff in there and I could really use some more divisions to make it easier to stack everything.

10. Off to make lunch now!

I have birdies!

So you all know I worked like crazy to set up my deck for my sweet daughter. I stuck my hands in more dirt than I have in my life (I am not one of those gardening people that just loves the smell of dirt!), watered my plants faithfully everyday, put out bird feeders, filled the bird feeders, etc all because I thought Anna would enjoy it. I have never really cared to have flowers, never understood the desire to attract birds to your house. So needless to say, I am very surprised and pleased to discover that I am really enjoying my little flowers! I feel bad when they get droopy from the heat or when I can't water them because I am out of town. I couldn't even bring myself to throw away the extra little yellow marigolds that I didn't end up having a place for. I went out and cheerfully bought more dirt (which is expensive btw) to fill in around my poor baby flowers that needs a little more cozy dirt surrounding them. I am silly-ly happy to see baby tomatoes growing on my vines- I find myself asking people for advice on how to do it better and hoping that my watermelon will actually make it in just a pot. And today I actually had quite a few birds on my feeders! Two cardinals (one male, one female), a dove, and several sparrows! Not the fanciest birds around but better than those pesky ravens that just scattered my seed everywhere! The sweet little sparrows (I know- most people don't like them but I always think they are actually pretty little things even if they are a little plain) were taking shelter under my table today from the pouring rain. so Yea! I am already making plans for how to do it better next year, what flowers I would like to try, how to fix up a bigger planter for some bigger veggies, and figuring out ways to stick out some more or better bird feeders. If I keep having pretty birds outside I'll snap some pictures just to prove I had visitors!

Beautiful Pics with very few words

Apparently I "phoned in" the "longest blog ever in the world" last time so I'll give my long winded self and your brains a break and just post pictures of Anna's 3rd birthday party with Nana and Papa and Aunt Julie and Josh. As you can tell from the photos- she had a blast. These are some of my most favorite pictures ever taken of Anna. Robin snapped them while Anna was outside playing with her cousin Joshie.

Adventures at the St Louis Zoo

We spent Anna's actual birthday at the St Louis zoo. I heart that zoo and wished we lived closer. We had a really fun day. Spent some time at the children's zoo, paid $3 a lot of times for A bottled water, ate some snow cones, petted some sting rays, dropped my beloved and much abused camera and thought we broke it (hence the small amt of photos from the zoo), rode the train, kept seeing the same zoo worker all over the zoo (we thought maybe they went ahead and just cloned him to have the perfect worker), had a few fights over whether we should skip exhibits or not, smelled some na-hasty penguins, hurried past the polar bear exhibit before Anna realized they weren't there, and got snorted at by a hippo. Anna loved that part. He smashed his big old face up against the glass right in front of her and snorted and a massive amt of bubbles blew all over the glass. Side note: When hippos take a crap, they use their tiny tails to break the poop up into little pieces that can then get distributed better in the water they live and eat in. It's true- there was a sign where you could rotate a wheel and it moved the hippos tail to demonstrate. I would have taken a picture for you but by that time, I was in mourning for my camera. Don't worry Brad- we made an extra special effort to make sure Dad saw the sign. I think he liked it.

The train at the zoo gave us all a good laugh- I'm not entirely sure that it wasn't designed for children only. Adam ended up sitting straight up with his legs at entirely unnatural angles just to fit on the thing. Stacey and I had trouble hauling our butts up and over the sides to get in and out because there was no fitting through it. The ride out to the exit had us all so tickled (combined with the weariness, the fact that Anna dropped her Pete the Penquin, Stacey managing to sit right next to a speaker and then practically jumping off the train from surprise when it blared right in her ear, and Adam's stand up routine about how he is obviously an "average sized adult" and he doesn't understand why he has trouble fitting on the train) that we were practically hysterical by the time we got off. Then mom and Stacey and I went in the bathroom and I went to the last stall and looked down at this teeny tiny toilet. It took a few seconds of me trying to figure out how in the world I was going to get my weary butt down and back up off that thing before I realized that this time I actually was looking at a child's toilet and not just another too small thing at the zoo! After seeing that, I was literally so hysterical with laughter that I could barely stand up straight enough to call to mom and Stacey to come see.

I can't overestimate the tiredness we were all feeling as we headed out of St Louis and back home. Adam pulled over to get food and oh so happily ordered us 3 waters (he LOVES ordering ice water). While everyone else was eating, I looked over at Anna and noticed something strangely not right about her left nostril. It seemed to have something purple sticking out of it. My tired brain couldn't quite put together the pieces of what I was seeing. I leaned over to take a closer look and realized that my recently turned 3 yr old had indeed done something worthy of being 3 and stuck something up her nose! So here we are, heading down the highway, all of us very tired and a little punch drunk, and I have to announce to everyone that Anna stuck something up her nose and now I had to get tweezers and pull it out. Picture if you can, 5 very tired and sweaty adults, one tired little girl with an unidentified object up her nose, all traveling down the highway. Now picture Stacey and Mom literally falling out of their seats laughing hysterically as I try to pull whatever is stuck up Anna's nose, out. Adam is getting pissed up in the front, both because she stuck something up her nose which is ridiculous and because Mom and Stacey and I are dying laughing about it. He starts loudly telling us "It's not funny! Stop laughing! Seriously, dude, stop laughing" Mom and Stacey are snorting and trying to contain their laughter so as to not piss him off further, and I am still trying to figure out what she has up there and how to get it out, while laughing myself, trying to hold Anna still, calm Adam down, and keep Mom and Stacey from wetting themselves. I finally pull out the little plastic purple piece from her nose. Wanta know what it was? It was a piece of this....

She had pulled the spines off and stuck one up her nose. I have NO idea what would possess her to do this! My dad takes the thing and starts calmly (but secretly frantically also) trying to figure out how many she has pulled off so we can identify how many she has up her nose. Sure enough, the minute I pulled the first one out, she quite calmly announced that she had stuck one up the other nostril as well. Oh my heavens, more hysterical laughter, more increasing hysterical yelling and demanding to know why she had done that, more tweezers, and more counting of the missing spines. Funny stuff man. Then to top off the fun, Adam threw his hamburger in the floor under his feet and had to stomp it a few times to get it back to where he could pick it up and unwrap it. I am so not kidding- I think at that point we all just lost it completely.

Here are some pictures of our fun day- I am so blessed to have a family that enjoys doing crazy things like driving to and from St Louis in one day just so we can take Anna to the zoo.

Anna and Daddy at the St Louis zoo

Anna is finally brave enough to stick her hand in to feel the stingrays- right before Adam and I tired to murder our camera


Looking at an iguana



Mommy and Anna getting "eaten by a hippo". You can see from Anna's face how thrilled she was that I made her take this photo


At children's zoo

Just being silly

One tired out girl....minus the purple spines

Stay tuned...

Just popping in to say wow am I tired. I am in the process of downloading pictures from the remainder of Anna's bday parties and the St Louis Zoo and it is taking eons. She has had such a fun time and is thoroughly worn out! As am I....

I have lots of pictures and some funny stories to share so stay tuned! Thanks to everyone that helped us celebrate!

Pictures from first of many 3rd birthday parties for Annabelle

Pictures from today. I uploaded these to blogger in order but somehow they came over like this and I'm really tired so I'm not changing it! Anna had a fantastic time and I am super pleased with how the deck looks. She loves her pool- she slid down the slide like it was the funnest thing she'd ever found. She was extremely happy to finally get her little animals that she found a week ago and spent some time in her room over because of the fit she threw when I wouldn't give them to her early. Loves the sandbox- she threw handfuls of sand into the pool. My parents got her the cutest little bench to sit on that is just her size. I am so happy with everything and I am envisioning a really fun active summer for her! On to the pics...

"Where'd my feet go?" Burying her feet in the sand

What delight!

How cute is that bench?

"Mmmmm....I love cupcakes soooo much!!!! "

Digging in

Blowing out candles

Had to stick in this one- check out that ghetto booty/pull up! ha! that has got to be a record.


So much fun on the slide

Anna's version of being a Super Sleuth!

Thanks for the water guns mom- I owe you one. And what I mean by one is a squirt with one of those guns since I'm sure I'll now spend my summer darting water gun spray!

Anna is finally reunited with her precious animals

Just a pic of the deck

Another picture of the deck... oh and the guests! My Mom, Grandma Sue, Grandpa "Bert", and My Dad

Way overdue blog on best bud and sis- Julie V!

Ok I am so late on this blog there isn't even an excuse. I should have written about Julie on her bday in April....and I didn't... then I thought I could write one on the day of her graduation ceremony...and didn't...so now I better get this thing written for heaven's sake!

I have known Julie since my junior year in high school. We were close pretty immediately as I remember it. I'll dig up an old photo and post it soon. Julie is my sister-in-law as well as one of my bestest friends ever. I call her my "sunshine" because she is one of the major people I go to when life just flat sucks and you need someone to lift your head, make you laugh, and bring a glimpse of the sun back in through the rain clouds. Did I mention she makes me laugh? :)

Julie is also one of those friends that you can call when you need to admit something really stupid.... or really bad attitude-y (which I would NEVER have btw). I can call Julie to admit these things because odds are... she'll beat my stupid story or bad attitude (that I would never have) and once again make me laugh. No, seriously, it has been invaluable to me over the years to have a friend that I can count on to be totally real and not make me feel bad for my stupidness or bad attitude-ness.

Julie and I have been friends for so long now that its hard to remember not being her friend. She also happens to be my sister-in-law so she really just can't get away from me. She tried moving to Houston once but she couldn't resist being away from me so she moved back. I'm pretty sure that's the only reason she came back. ha! Our friendship and sisterhood has been through so much together (once I literally laid my head in her lap and cried my eyes out- friendship doesn't get much stronger than that) and has adapted and grown so much over the years that I am not sure what I would do without her in my life. She knows me WAY too well. And vice versa I sometimes think!

Ok some stories about life with Jules - I think my all time favorite is the time we were painting her dad's office building... and we'd been painting a LONG time in a REALLY hot building (she is wanting to kill me right now for telling you this) and I think I said something about how I wished I could get cooled off... and she said "well I wish I could quit smelling my own ass!" hahahahaha! I quit rolling on the floor laughing about that one just last week! Julie and I went to Hawaii together (and are going back one of these days), we survived high school together, she took my dog away from me and found him a home when I was at my wits end about what to do with him, we have been through 2 pregnancies and babies together, lots of school, movies, shopping, walking, family troubles, friend troubles, I'm gonna kill my husband troubles, happiness, sadness, and boredom. We might have even eaten some Chili's chips and salsa a few times in there...mmm... chips and salsa.... Julie - if you still like me after that story let's go eat chips and salsa. Julie gave me the only surprise bday party I ever had. She does fantastic imitations of people. She called me once and pretended to be some lady from my cell phone company telling me I owed them some outrageous sum of money due to a misunderstanding during the hurricane or tsunami or something. Totally bought the whole thing- she had me going for like 10 minutes. And I got worked UP man. I actually would love to have had that on tape- it was hysterical- even if the joke was on me! She has a beautiful singing voice and I think that no one really knows that besides her family. She's a pretty good car dancer too. :) There is nothing this girl will not say or do. And I do mean nothing.... well.. I won't give away all her secrets! She got me involved in 5K's- which reminds of the time that the entire 5K crowd was politely and respectfully listening to the National Anthem before we ran and Julie (who broke the rules by having her ipod earphones in) turned around and started dancing her warm up dance and loudly exclaiming "Look at me! I'm warming up!" Hahahaha! Julie- you are priceless.

One thing I admire most about Julie is how she just reaches out and makes life bend itself to how she wants it. That girl never gives up EVER. I am starting to take a leaf out of her life. It's hard. I don't know how she keeps up her eternal optimism. She should bottle that.

I am sure I did not do justice to the force that is Julie. I am not sure she is able to be described. Funny, bright, cheerful, a little insane, determined, always entertaining, loyal, talented, fun. If she was a flower she would be a bright beautiful pink gerber daisy. Love ya Jules!

Strawberries in the Sun

Hi anyone still checking this. No idea where I've been- just not very talkative I suppose. Anna and I had a very fun and full day today - we picked strawberries at the strawberry field, played and ate at a Sonic sand park, and then had a friend and her sweet baby over to play. Strawberry fields were very fun and very hot! We sprayed the kiddos down with sunscreen and borrowed bug spray from a nice stranger out there :) and turned them loose in the field. Anna mostly ate strawberries as opposed to picking them. Well, I guess she picked them and then ate them instead of bringing them home! She ate and ate and ate. She ate so many that I felt compelled to offer the owner extra cash for the ones she ate! Nice man wouldn't take my money though. We got a ton of strawberries for $6 and let me just say "yum!" These are so delicious. They were esp delicious right out in the warm sunshine. Anna picked them, took one huge bite from the bottom (which is the most delicious part as everyone knows) and then chucked the leftover as hard as she could over her shoulder. Silly girl. Here are some pics!

Eating delicious strawberries

In the fields- notice the strawberry stains on her shirt!

Being silly- hat courtesy of Grandma Ginny- outfit chosen esp to match the hat!

The whole crew- notice Anna has actually resorted to stealing the strawberries out of someone else's basket at this point.

More eating- more stains!

See Mom?