That's all folks!

Ok of course that's not all- you all know by now I'm too much of a blabbermouth to not have a blog! But this is my last post on this one. I'm starting a new one - all fresh and shiny and clean. I feel the need for a fresh start in lots of areas of life, so might as well restart this as well, right? Plus, I need the privacy of knowing certain people don't have the address. So, Thanks to everyone who ever read my crazy ramblings. I hope some of you will read my new one. I'll send out the address in a few. If you get the address, its because I love you and you're important to me and you've been a tremendous support system to me the last 6 mos especially so please read! And throw me some comments occasionally as they make me feel warm and fuzzy! I'm not gonna lie- it feels kinda weird to say I'll never post here again- I poured a lot of myself into this blog. But everything is saved on my email so I can never lose the posts or pictures. Here's my last quote on this blog- I'm more than sure the new one will be just as full of other people's wisdom as this one was.

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." ~J.K. Rowlings

A few things

So, I've decided that I want to make some room in my life for a few things that kinda got flattened out of me over the last few years and take out some of the things that crept in....

1. romance- I've been a self-professed hater of all overly romantic things for a lot of years... partly because I've just become so cynical and partly because it was just so overtly and hurtfully missing in my marriage.... to be clear- I am NOT in any way looking for another relationship- because... shudder... but I think I'll go get me a whole bunch of those crazily romantic, watching the girl sleep, glittery vampires, and Mr Darcy type books. And I'm going to read them all. And I don't care that I don't have that, I don't care that I maybe don't even believe it exists, and I don't care that I don't have the perfect body that my horrible mind insists you need to deserve that type of love. I'm simply going to immerse myself in girly, romantic books and lose some of the next thing on my list...

2. cynicism- I hate that I am so cynical. It developed over years and years and developed to a degree that I didn't realize until it was such an ingrained thing I didn't know how to get rid of it. But I don't like that little (or big) chip riding on my shoulder all the time, I don't like that little voice in my head that says mean things, and I don't want it around anymore. At least not to the degree it is now. I'll keep a little of it cause I don't want to be too annoyingly sweet and innocent ;)

3. Fun- I want to add back in some damn fun into my life! Seriously, I'm so tired of everything being about studying and worrying and wishing things were different. I want to actually do the thousand and one projects I have on my list to do. I want to start all those traditions and things I've always wanted to make a part of mine and Anna's life. I want to enjoy projects and movies and books and friends and travel and just things that me, myself, and I like without worrying about whether its nerdy or stupid or a waste of time. I just want to actually enjoy my free time again. I have so many fun ideas just waiting for time and money to do!

4. Self- doubt- I want to have less self doubt. Too many years of being told that whatever I think is crazy or that I'm "bat shit crazy" (that was my favorite put down), added to a personality of extreme people pleaser, on top of never actually being able to please have turned me into an absolute mess of self doubt. I've gotten myself through a program that a lot of people haven't been able to accomplish, kept a 4.0 in the program, raised a kid while doing so and done it well if I do say so myself, gotten involved and made friends at Anna's school, gotten involved and made friends at my school, made the honor's program, won a full ride scholarship that is awarded to only one student out of 80, been vice president and president of the Student Nurse's Association at school, had 3 different instructors give me great references, had both preceptors in my management hours tell me I'm doing great, found several programs I want to volunteer for, I make good decisions in life, I'm a good mom, and I think I am an ok person. No, I don't cook well, yes, I'm in desperate need of some weight loss, and yes I tend to be overly anxious esp under certain circumstances. But I want to stop dwelling on the bad or in need of development parts of my life and start being proud of the good things. Then I can work on the parts I'd like to fix from a good place.

5. Peace and Joy- I saw a canvas I'd like to create today. It said simply "all is well with my soul". I want to get there. I want to feel peace about who I am and joy about where my life is headed. It's true that I'm sad over the divorce and I wish it hadn't happened. It's devastating when you find out that the person you entrusted your heart to doesn't in fact love you after all and in fact loves someone else. It's devastating to know that all the things you worked so hard for and all the things you tried so hard to be, are not going to be after all. It's so very hurtful to see your ex husband do the things for another woman that he would never in a million years have done for you. As a mother, its beyond terrible to have your child be away from you because of someone else's decision. Its hard to know she is going to have another woman doing things for her that I am supposed to do. I need some closure and some peace about this. And actually, I do feel a lot of peace when I'm thinking rationally, that I did everything within my power to save my marriage. Both before and after I knew he wanted to leave. I know the next phase of my life needs to be focused on accepting what has been done, and becoming the person I want to be. I've blogged a lot about this lately, but this is my outlet and as I try to accept and change things I need somewhere to think out loud. So if you're reading, thanks for listening.

Halloween

So one of the things I've decided to concentrate on over the next year is developing some really fun traditions for all the holidays for Anna. I've never really done a great job of decorating because it was always too expensive and I was the only one in the house interested and I never knew how to just decorate just a little ;) Well, now in our cozy little apartment, its going to be easier to decorate like crazy. Now, I didn't start early enough to get Halloween done well, and money is still very tight until I get a job so I won't be able to really go crazy until I'm working. But I'm thinking of ideas, and going to start building up a ton of decorations for all the holidays so that Anna has some things that are just super fun for a kid her age. (Anyone picking up on the divorce guilt???) So far, for Halloween, we "boo-ed" 4 families which Anna LOVED. Boo-ing consists of filled up a container with candy and other halloween things (we did severed fingers at Anna's insistence, as well as eyeballs and spider rings), setting it on your friends doorstep, ringing the doorbell, and then running like mad.

She LOVED this- and was so very hopeful someone would boo her back!

We did in fact get boo-ed back- by two people! She was in heaven! And even Max the cat got boo-ed. :)

We've also put together a little haunted house thing that was a nightmare to put together. It's made of that weird material that I've used a thousand times for crafts with Anna and never had an issue with. Never, that is, because I've never had to glue it together yet! No glue but glue sticks will work if you ever find yourself putting one together. And don't count on it holding up to a cat like Max....cause it won't.

We also bought some decorations from a dollar store- they have surprisingly good decorations there! But she decided she was scared of the window clings that she picked out so we currently only have a glow in the dark spider sitting on a web up.

And to finish off Halloween for this year (next year will be SO much better!!!!) Anna and I cut out bats and ghosts and pumpkins and a scary black cat out of colored paper and she glittered them to her hearts content. I am currently covered in glitter after attaching string to all of them. They will soon hang from our ceiling.

I'm looking forward to building up our decoration stores and coming up with other new projects to do for each holiday! Christmas has always been my favorite and Anna gets to have two trees this year! Grandma's and ours. We're having to come up with some creative solution for Max over the Christmas holiday. There isn't an ounce of my poor parent's house that he hasn't terrorized or tried to destroy. I know he'll knock our tree over about a thousand times but I don't want mom's knocked over!! Crazy cat.... the things he gets up to. But that's another post...

The New Me

So... for sure there is no going back or reworking with Adam. I really really struggled with this when it finally became apparent to me. When he first left this summer, I was pretty destroyed. And then I started to rebuild my life without him in it. And then that nasty thing called hope crept back into my heart. Then it was dashed to the floor again. And before I really had time to recover from that dashing, hope crept back in again. And then shortly after, was dashed even harder to the floor. That cycle happened... oh I don't know.... A THOUSAND TIMES!! I know he perhaps didn't mean to be cruel or maybe realize how cruel it was, but wow... you should not play with people's hearts like that. It was terrible and damaging and it left scars. And it left broken places. Broken places that are jagged and cracked and have holes. I say that not to complain or get sympathy or bad mouth Adam- after all, I suppose he has to do what makes him happy. I say that to say that I've done some intense mourning the last few months. Especially this last one. I'm not over it, I'm not completely happy and leaping for joy every day, but I am seeing more clearly. I am ready to step out of this yucky old skin that is keeping me from growing, keeping me from becoming who I want to be now. I'm falling back on this thought from a previous blog :

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. 

~Barbara Bloom

I have suffered damage. I have cracks. It's up to me to fill them and make myself whole again. No one will or can do it for me. And so, I find myself again looking for those places in my life that need changed or filled or smoothed. I've let myself slip in a lot of ways over the last month and since my last post. I stopped exercising, I started eating badly again, I stopped being that positive goal oriented, life changing person I was set to become. I wish I hadn't but I did. I let all the ups and downs get me down and get me off track. I don't want my daughter or my family or myself for that matter to look back at me in 30 years and think, "that's where she really messed up and lost it." I want to look back in 5, 10, 20 years and be proud of the fact that I didn't let life knock me to the floor and keep me there. I want to look back and be proud of the mother, daughter, sister, friend, nurse, PERSON, that I became after this. And the nice thing is that I know I still have time to change. There is nothing holding me back but my own laziness or my own brain. I have no one to really answer to now. My mind and heart and spirit are my own to do with as I wish. That is freeing and sad at the same time. I have so much work to do. And its draining for heaven's sake! :) But I'm so close to being done with school (well this part of it), so close to having a steady job of my own for the first time in over 5 years! I can make the changes to my eating and exercise again, and I WILL. I want to- for me. And for Anna. It's gonna be worth it. As I keep telling my dear friend Tedra, we just have to hold on a little longer and it will all be worth it.

Pain, Fear, Pride, and Courage

**heads up- this is a deeply personal, probably boring, annoying, too thoughtful, not fun to read post. But it's my blog. So you're warned- don't read if you don't want to ;)**
So today, I'm thinking about pain, physical pain, emotional pain. Pain, anxiety, fear- all those horrible things that clench your stomach and strangle your throat and make you feel like there's a heavy hurtful weight where your heart should be.  I've always liked the old worn out quote: "Pain is weakness leaving the body." But after working with 4 semesters worth of patients, I've come to see what the instructors told us the first day of class. This quote is crap. Nice thought, makes you feel strong, motivates you when you're running, but that's where it should stay. As motivation. Real pain, physical and emotional and mental and spiritual PAIN, these things actually impede healing. As nurses, we teach our patients to ask for the pain medication before it gets bad. Because it's easier to keep the pain under control if you control it as you go. We are also taught to address emotional and mental and spiritual pain. Uncontrolled pain, mental anguish, spiritual distress, these things keep people from healing as well, they keep people sick longer, drain them of their will to try, sometimes drain them of the will to live. I saw the power of non-physical pain with patients last semester during mental health. Yes some of them had psychological disorders, but some of them were perfectly healthy people PHYSICALLY, and yet they are in a treatment center for suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety. 

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.
- Mother Teresa

I've dealt with a lot of emotional pain, mental fear, feelings of unworthiness, loneliness, insecurity, betrayal, etc this summer. I seem to keep dealing with it, sometimes getting jarring reminders of where I stand, everyday. I've learned something about myself and pain. I won't even attempt to apply this to the world at large and definitely not to people suffering from loss of loved ones to death, sickness, etc. But for me, sometimes I have to wallow in it a little, and then, THEN I have to really sit down and do some mental work to put it in its proper place .I've learned not to react immediately to the pain OUT LOUD. Too often in the past, I've said or done things in the fear and distress of the moment, without thinking first. And regretted it so often. It sucks to sit down and think about why you are hurting. But sometimes it helps. Sometimes you find you are hurting over something that hasn't even happened yet, and might not ever happen.

How much pain they have cost us, the evils which have never happened.
- Thomas Jefferson 

Sometimes you are hurting because your pride has been hurt and doesn't everyone hate that? Sometimes, you are hurting because you are taking someone else's viewpoint about you as gospel instead of deciding if YOU think that about you. I've had to learn that its ok and healthy sometimes to decide that they are wrong, and you do have worth, that you are right, that your opinion does matter, that you do deserve better. How crazy that must sound to people that aren't like me. But I've spent the last 34 (sigh- first time I've written down my age since my birthday...) years assuming everyone else is right and I'm wrong and if someone says something then it must be so. Sometimes, you have to do some really hard thinking and look inside yourself to see where and how me, myself and I contributed to the things that brought you pain. And unfortunately, sometimes life just deal you terrible blows. There's no way to rationalize this pain, no way to really make it go away (sometimes the denial folder works for a little while). This pain you just have to trudge through, one foot in front of the other, finding the courage to keep going, until you make it through.

  

Pain is what the world inflicts upon us.

Suffering is our emotional reaction when we fail to make the difficult conscious decision to choose Joy.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I told a friend of mine today that going forward for me, my biggest goal and the thing I have got to find a way to accomplish is to find that sense of self that I've been developing over the last few years but especially this last summer. That sense of self that tells me who I am in the world and in my mind, regardless of who I am with. I am figuring out who I am in my own head and heart and what I want and who I want to be and what I want to define me. I guess I am looking for an anchor, a pillar of strength within myself so that I can hold myself up. I am not explaining this right- it's hard to explain unless you've walked in my shoes, been completely dependent on someone else, with someone else since you were 16 years old. Its like I never really bothered to define myself. I think the concept I am grasping at, a lot of times, is also that worn out, mid-life crisis phrase of "finding myself". Obviously, since I've had this phrase on my blog since I started it, I've been in the process for a while, perhaps to an extent I didn't even realize until lately.

Life is not about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself.  -George Bernard Shaw

To me, this means that yes, I have to figure out who I am and how I feel on my very own, no one else's opinion thrown in the mix. As my very wise mother-in-law told me today- stop asking everyone else what they think you should do, and do what YOU think you should do. I have to figure out who I am but I also GET TO figure out who I want to be and change the things I don't like. Now, I am not an advocate of willfully and blindly hurting others to get what you want, please don't misunderstand. I think you can go through this process without hurting people. But I do get to control myself and my actions and make and form myself into the person I'd like to see in the mirror everyday. I get to make myself into the person that I can look back on when I'm older and be proud of who I became and what I did for people in my lifetime. I have small steps laid out and big steps laid out, paving the way towards where I want to end up. I joined the Red Cross as a volunteer for the Disaster Relief Team. I am so excited about this. I am 3.5 very short months (dear God please, knocking on wood, crossing fingers, etc etc) away from accomplishing one of the things I will be most proud of in my life. I've successfully put into place some exercise and eating changes that will hopefully one day shortly, start showing some great results and turn me into the healthy person that I want to be. I am hopeful that after I come out of this phase of life, and I still am not sure how or when it will end, but I am hopeful that I will come out a stronger and more beautiful person. 

 Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed,
to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed,
to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.
- Anonymous 

I think my room exploded

I've always had some trouble keeping the household organization level high during nursing school. You'd think with so little space to keep clean that I'd be doing a better job this semester. But alas, I am not. Our little apartment looks like Anna's toys, my school supplies, clothing, and some random weird things that just never found a home here all got together while their parents were out of town and had a wild party. And the closet holding all my "someday I'll want this" stuff has overflowed all the shelves and Anna can't get to her books. Don't even get ask about her room. Mom won't hardly even go in there anymore. ;) This mess is driving me crazy!!! And it tips my mood from good to evil. I am at a loss to explain how things get so freaking messy in the space of a week! I'm hitting some garage sales the next few weekends to see if I can find some good storage solutions and see if I can find a better way to keep things at least shut away from my eyes. Wish me luck as I wade into the piles and try to make some sense out of things. I might not come out with my sanity.

Nursing school instructors are funny

"Tell your patients not to take their nitro tablets with erectile dysfunction drugs because the blood pressure will drop and then its hard to get it up"

hahahahaha! listen... nursing school is stressful- you take your laughs when you can get them!

Rainbows

I'm sitting here at my desk thinking that I need to get organized so that the second half of my day is as productive as the first half. As I went to grab my little "to do" pad of paper that I keep handy I happened to grab a stack of notecards Anna had drawn on and then given to me. (she loves to use my school supplies to do her "work"). All five of them are pictures of her interpretations of rainbows. One with trees, one with skinny lines and the exact rainbow colors, two with great big thick lines of all different shades of rainbow colors drawn horizontally across the page, and another one with skinny lines with all sorts of different shades of rainbow colors and the colors are backwards. I love my little girl. She is my rainbow. She is the reminder after the dark and scary storm and sometimes the reminder while the rain is still gently falling but the sky is getting lighter and then sun is starting to shine through again. My rainbow is sometimes exactly right, sometimes crazy, sometimes just all turned upsides down! But she is always colorful, always popping up in smiles even after her own storms of sadness. She colors my world with happiness and purpose and love. She is what makes everything in life worth it.

Balanced comments

First week of 4th semester clinicals done!!! I had a good day yesterday. Enjoyed my time on the floor, like my new instructors. Slightly overwhelmed by everything that has to occur in the next 16 weeks....but that's ok! I'll get through it. I was called out on oh so wonderful facebook by my Uncle who apparently feels that I post too many negative things about how tired I am.....  which was hurtful to me because I actually make a huge effort every day to get up and keep going and smile as much as I can and complain as little as I can. I have tried really hard to stay as positive as I can and keep my complaining to a minimum and realize how blessed I am with family and a healthy little girl, etc and how much worse everything could be. I feel like I've really learned how much difference changing how you look at things and what you choose to dwell on can actually truly change how you feel about things. I don't always succeed at that and I've been particularly tired the last few weeks with ups and downs and lots of schoolwork coming up, so perhaps I did post one too many "tired and overwhelmed" statements on facebook. I've deleted them if that makes a difference. However, in my defense, I will also tell you that one of my co-students in my clinical group said something really nice to me yesterday that was great to hear. We were all asked by our clinical instructor to give a brief summary of what is going on in our lives at the current moment so she has an idea of how best to help us this semester in clinicals so I gave a very brief overview of what all has gone on this summer (Very brief as its awkward to talk about) and I tried to emphasize all the positives like great family, etc. Later on that day, this nice, good looking, young guy that I was in a computer class with at the very beginning (he's the one that had me laughing absolutely hysterically one day because we were learning how to use the computer system at the hospital and I look over at him and he has changed the font on his computer to take up almost the whole screen) told me later that he thought I was a really strong person to be dealing with so much and still handling school and a kid and looking for jobs, etc and that most people would be falling apart in my situation. Which, while I don't particularly feel all that strong... was really nice to hear. So, anyway, lesson learned- time to use facebook a little more wisely. And now, perhaps I should be working on a little of my definitely not hard or overwhelming school work. :)

Back to the Future

I finally sat down to do my prep questions for tomorrow. I got an immediate feeling of relief... like oh, good... back to something I can control and understand and that holds no sadness or loss for me. Back to a steady schedule- I know where to be and when to be there and can methodically do the work without having to analyze every aspect of what I said and what I heard and what it all meant and what it all means to my life! I'm so tired of the stress and worry and crashes to the ground. I HATE not having the slightest clue what comes next. It is so not my personality. At least this I feel like I can work hard at it and get somewhere! I just want to feel like I can rest my brain a little bit. Which seems crazy to say seeing as how I'm starting 4th semester of nursing school and brain rest is nowhere in the syllabus. But it's a different kind of stress and thinking so maybe it'll distract from the emotional. Man, I really try not to be too much of a downer on here but I'm just down today. Feeling unwanted and lost and uncomfortable and unsure of myself. Blah.

Just a whine

I feel like whining.... and maybe burying my face in a pillow and screaming. Just thought I'd share that.

uh oh

I am suffering from a startling lack of motivation... I've lost most of my fear of clinicals (don't worry - that will come back day 1 when I realize how much more they expect of us this semester). And I lost my fear of the classwork after second semester. So I am completely unmotivated to print and organize the thousands of papers waiting on me. Actually, my lack of motivation started when I opened up my class folder and saw that even though I have already opened and printed everything that was available earlier this week, I still have about the same amount to do before Monday.
And I am completely unmotivated to clean up our spaces. I did go through Anna's clothes and moved things around and started to clean out the clothes that are too small but I quit that about halfway through when I saw the growing pile of clothes and realized I was going to have to figure out what to do with them all... Right now, I'm staring at a desk that is actually mostly clean, but has a few things like a school hoodie for my SNA board I'm on and Anna's monarch hat thing she made last night and a small stack of papers, etc. Anna's room is picked up which is great but it needs organized so BAD!!! I think this might call for a general quick sweep through pick up so I can get away from the horrible "what a mess" feeling. Then I'll make myself feel all organized by making a new list that includes everything else that needs done. ;) And now that I've announced to the world what a pathetic lazy I am today, I think I'll sign off.

Where rainbows never die

I always told Adam he had a beautiful singing voice...he never believed me til now of course....

give this song a listen- he really does sound fantastic. That's Rhett- the lead singer of Adam's band playing with him.

I love the words to this song too.

Oh the insanity

Life has continued its interesting path- never gets boring here ;) I wink and laugh so I don't throw myself on the floor and throw a downright tantrum! Wouldn't that be a funny sight? Life seems to knock me down the second I get myself standing up and steady so maybe I'll just stay on the floor this time.

Anna started school on Wednesday- it kinda snuck up on me and I was a terrible mother and didn't make a huge deal of it. We did take pictures and went and got her Daddy so he could be with her as well, but I normally would've done something super special. I suck, yes? I can only plead this crazy summer and bad news the weekend then also the day right before school started. One of these days I will learn how to excel under bad news instead of just getting through it. Actually, scratch that- let's just have no more bad news for the rest of my life. That suits me much better. I'll post pictures of my beautiful kindergartner later when I stop being busy and get them downloaded. So.... maybe around December after I take my NCLEX.

Yes, that's right, 4th semester is officially upon me. Due to said bad news affecting my ability to remember stupid rounding rules and that trailing zeros are apparently the devil, I have to retake my da*n math test tomorrow. I cannot even express to you my irritation over this fact. At least both my skills went just fine. Even though I did complete one with tears streaming down my face... good times. I will say that I have the best instructors. The one testing me said I could take it later which I declined then prayed with me after. Nice nice people. I will be sad to be out from under their care. My 4th semester instructors also seem very nice so I am really looking forward to getting started.

Let's see... what else? Oh Anna told us all yesterday that she prayed that a boy in her class would disappear... then when we all gasped in dismay, she quickly assured us that it was ok because she prayed really softly.

Adam is beginning to follow his dream of playing music for a living. I don't really know where he and I are at... complicated times are these. He has what sounds like a really really awesome opportunity coming up in Nashville (on my birthday coincidentally) so I am sure hoping that turns out as he wants it to. If anyone is interested in hearing them play go here.

I guess that's all the news for now. I'll be spending my weekend working prep questions on cardiac things that sound really hard and trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I really need to get in gear and get myself together for school. 

Looking forward

It hit me the other day that I am actually really looking forward to this semester. For the first time, I feel really confident with all the skills we need to know and I am ready to get some great experience in. In all these previous semesters at the hospital, we've had one patient who usually already has whatever IV, catheter, or other necessary tube in place. So when we got a chance once or twice a semester to actually perform a procedure on a patient, it was a BIG DEAL!! This semester, during the second half at least, we will be working with a nurse and having 6 or so patients a day. Which ups our chances of getting some consistent experience greatly. Which makes me excited! I just really want to be a fantastic, efficient, compassionate nurse and I think that nurse exists deep inside. She just needs some confidence to make her appearance. I'm tired of being a student who knows nothing. I'm ready to move on to being a "new nurse" who also... knows nothing... at least its a step forward! Plus, actually bringing in my own money will help my self-esteem and confidence in so many ways. The last few weeks have been tough for me. Really really tough. So much has been taken away- I'm ready to experience some better days. So Anna starts school again next week, I have my last skills fair EVER- woo hoo!!!, then my classes start the week after that. The next year will be a whirlwind I'm sure. I just hope I have the courage and strength to do well, learn a lot, make sure Anna stays healthy and happy, help Anna through the transitions of Daddy moving away and Mommy working full time, get a job, do well at my job, KEEP the job! Should be an interesting semester and an interesting year. Everyone pray for me!!!

Can I have a nap please?

So I think my world is calming down...knock on wood!! Mom's surgery for her gallbladder went very well this week and she seems to be feeling better. We were all getting so worried about her. She just got so sick and just plain down. It was wearing at her spirit which was so hard to see. And when my mom stays in bed all day - you know its bad. She keeps going through things most people would be screaming about. Anyway, the surgery is done and she seems to be better. I pray she continues to feel better!!!
We also have my Grandma Ginny living here with us now. Crazily enough, the day mom went to the ER with her gallbladder trouble, my grandma went to the ER as well with a panic attack. My brother was headed to pick her up at the same time that I was headed to see about mom here. She is having so much anxiety that Dad decided she was finally at the stage where she just can't live alone anymore. So that night he drove to KC and brought her home the next morning. She's been here ever since. I've been trying to help her work through some of the anxiety (being so very familiar with it myself!), working with her medicine, scheduling doctors appointments, trying to think of anything that might get her up out of bed, looking up alternative therapies like exercises, etc for her many pains, and today we finally took her to a new doctor. I was so worried this guy wouldn't be any good or he'd be gruff with her or she would take some irrational dislike to him. When we pulled up to the clinic I was even more worried. It is in kind've a dumpy part of town in a dumpy little storefront. But this guy was wonderful with her. He sat with us for almost an hour and a half talking about all her medicines, medical problems, etc and making a plan to start readjusting things. We are all half in love with him! Grandma came right home and tried to marry me off to the guy :) who for the record has a 24 year old son, is married, and wouldn't give me a second look even if he wasn't!
All of this on top of dealing with my own stuff, my 5 year old, trying to change my eating habits and get an exercise program started, and needing to get ready for school has left me ready for a break! How lucky I am to have such a wonderful family. I just hope I've been a small amount of help to them through this deal.
I declared (in my head- not to the world or anything overly dramatic like that) tonight a lazy calm stay in my apartment with the lights turned down low, kids movies entertaining Anna, with nothing but my computer and scrapbooking and books to occupy my brain. ahhh..... I can feel myself relaxing!

Pictures of my new home

Had a great night out with my friend Julie B tonight! Got away from all the crazy and stress attacking me and mine for a few hours. Back home now in my comfortable little apartment that I'm so thankful for. Feeling sad over things tonight, but I know I have so much to be thankful for.

We found this saying on a magnet tonight and Julie pointed it out and said it sounded like me. So thanks to Julie for that compliment. I don't feel very brave or strong most of the time, but I am trying!

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher

Thought I'd post some pics of my area- I love it and I love coming home to all the pretty colors. I don't think it looks as pretty in the pictures...

 Bedside table

Living area

Anna's bed, part of the living area

 My beloved desk- if you want to get a glimpse into my personality- just need to take a look at this desk area! It holds so much of me and the things I love! 

My favorite pictures of Anna right as you walk in the room

More pictures of my desk area- I had the boxes in my old home, but the top is a piece that my wonderful Dad made for me just to give me more space. 

Did I mention I love my desk?

My swirl-y storage piece that mom brought me home and I LOVE!!! I've filled it with special things from people I love, shells from vacations, etc. 

My board thats supposed to hold reminders but instead seems to be full of things I've found inspirational or just things I love. 

Hopefully this next month I'll get to work painting Anna's playroom and decorating it as well. Plus i still have to get all my favorite quotes, etc typed up and maybe put around the room to lift my spirits on a night like tonight when I'm feeling blue!

About me

5 things I've learned about me:
1. I'm totally content with a little space that I can putter around in: painting old baskets crazy colors, having purple walls, scrapbooking, having a hodge podge of decor, learning to knit and crochet, my cats under my feet and in my lap, my daughter playing barbies or babies or family in the same room.
2. I deserve to be happy, but I am in charge of making myself happy.
3. I have a huge capacity for forgiveness.
4. I have a lot of work to do to become the person I want to be.
5. I like having a big network of people and things I'm involved in and with.


5 things I've relearned about me:
1. I have the best family in the world.
2. I treasure beyond worth my family and friendships.
3. Exercise really does make me feel better in every way.
4. I am sentimental and tender hearted underneath this crusty old shell that has grown around my heart.
5. I love mashed potatoes in every way, shape, and form.


5 things I currently need to stop eating:
1. Stacy's chips with parm. cheese
2. M & M's
3. apparently potatoes....
4. sweet tea- actually I already stopped this one but I need 5 things and I guess my diet hasn't been as bad as I thought!
5. M & M's again.

5 things I hope Anna learns from me:
1. Trying is the one of the most important things in the world.
2. Don't let fear rule your life. (I never said I was GOOD at these myself! just that I want her to learn it as I do...)
3. Don't follow the crowd- do what makes you happy.
4. Family helps each other even at sometimes drastic cost to themselves.
5. Be a strong woman, have your own career, build your own life then add someone into it, always have a back up plan, be smart with your money but don't be obsessed with what it buys or the status it gives you, remember before you open your mouth that you can't take things back, be careful with people's feelings, take care of your body and your mind and your spirit, don't wait for things to get better- go out and make them better.

Untitled

My days are flying by. I am already staring down the next semester and the looming nclex exam (which gives me my RN license) without having accomplished all the studying I intended to before my world blew up. As I told mom today when she ever so nicely and lovingly told me "you've had a lot on your mind" - having a lot on my mind has to stop being an excuse at some point!!! I feel overwhelmed at everything that needs to be accomplished  before school starts and really in the next few weeks. And I really really must pay some attention to my studies!

I am going to sign up to run a 5K hopefully this October or November.  It'll be my first 5K in several years but I restarted my couch to 5K program with my sister-in-law so I'm hoping to be able to run it almost completely by then. Doing the 5K's are such a motivation for me and I really really enjoy the sense of community and accomplishment that comes with them. My parents have my old treadmill in the basement and my mom has a pilates machine down there and it actually stays less than 1,000 degrees down there as well so I've been able to stick to my program so far. My wonderful brother also helped me get my music situated back on my phone so I am able to listen to that as well which makes the time go by so much faster!! I'm not concentrating so much on total pounds lost as just getting healthier every day. I just want to be healthy and hopefully the weight will come off as I accomplish the other. I am looking for a partner to run the 5K's with if anyone out there is interested!

"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt."
- Max Lerner

Quote

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. 

~Barbara Bloom

Houston Trip

 Anna and I are in Houston, Texas visiting my sister-in-law (I refuse to give her up in the split) Julie with my soon to be ex-in-laws (this explanation is getting complicated...but darn it! they've been my family for over 10 years and I love them so I'm keeping them too....) Anyhow... Anna's wonderful Nana and Papa invited us to come down to Julie's house to spend a week. Anna did great in the car aside from asking every 20 mins when we'd be there. The first day we were here we went with Robin and Julie to a boardwalk which was a fun and easy low key day. Aunt Julie talked Anna into being brave and getting her hair crimped. And it took no convincing for her to let Aunt Julie do her make-up! She looked about 3 years older by the time she was done. I'm not sure how I feel about her looking so much older but she was certainly beautiful!

 As you can see she has a sassy attitude to go with her new hair and make-up!

 The boardwalk had the fountains for kids to play in and get wet on a hot day. At first she said she was too old now to play in those kid fountains (I'm telling you- apparently the makeover made her feel much older too) but Aunt Julie talked her into it.

 

 Nana nicely offered to buy Anna a snow cone so she excitedly picked out a grape one. 

She took exactly two bites of this enormous snow cone and then promptly threw it right in the trash over the protests of all 3 adults... I about fell into the trash can trying to catch it but to no avail...sigh. $4 down the drain... We couldn't figure out if she didn't like it or if she just wanted to go ride the ferris wheel and carousel she'd been so excited about all day.

She loved the ferris wheel! And I loved watching this face!

 Anna and I on the boardwalk

We stopped and ate at a really good pizza place. I normally cut up Anna's pizza but for some reason decided it was time for her to start eating it like normal so she picked up the whole slice. And of course she picked it up by the crust only and it was flopping everywhere. So I asked her to use two hands and she promptly did as asked...except she just used both hands on the crust...

 Julie (and her sun hat) and I on the boardwalk

 Feeding stingrays

 

 In the car on the way home with her lolly pop. She ended up with a rainbow face.

The next day went to a beach. Anna was so excited to dig in the sand and pick up sea shells. I was a little worried there wouldn't be very many shells but they were all over the beach and she brought home "every shell in the world!"

 

She picked up sea shells, dug in the sand, played in the water, jumped in the waves, and she even got brave enough to try a ride on the boogie board (in the very shallow water of course). She thought that was about the funnest thing ever. Anna ended up with 3 areas of pretty good sunburn despite my application of sunscreen every hour. Grr... the wind was blowing so hard it just blew my spray sunscreen away as fast as I could attempt to apply it. And somehow I didn't get close enough to her eye on one side so the poor thing looks like she has a black eye. I on the other hand, apparently mostly sprayed the sunscreen on the sand instead of myself because I am burnt worse then I've ever been burnt before! I am not even kidding- last night every time I moved my shoulders off the bed it felt like the sheets were pulling off several layers of skin. Painful. I'm sure I'll have beautiful blisters and peeling skin shortly. Stupid wind.

We all stayed at home yesterday and vegged due to the sunburns and being wiped out! I'm not sure what else we'll do while we're down here- I think we may try to hit Galveston today but you never know! Overal, I'm so thankful for the chance to bring her down here and thankful for family that still considers me family no matter what!

song for this moment in time

Ok no laughing .... Anna is obsessed with this show on Disney called Good Luck Charlie. It has the cutest little girl I've ever seen (except mine of course) ... here's a picture of her...

seriously, how cute is she? anyhow, that's completely off the point. The point of this blog is to share the theme song of the show which is stuck in my head most of the day now. Which is ok cause it seems like a good message for me at the moment. Here's the words...

Hang In There Baby, Things Are Crazy But I Know Your Future's Bright

Hang In There Baby There's No Maybe, Everthing Turns Out Alright

Sure Life Is Up And Down But Trust Me It Comes Back Around

You're Gonna Love Who You Turn Out To Be...Hang in there Baby.

A water filled weekend

Car Washing

We washed cars on Saturday. Or Dad and I did. Anna mostly just got wet. :)

She started out calmly....

 Spraying water in the buckets for us

 

 Nicely washing the car with Grandpa

 Little more wild - enjoying the power of pointing the hose

 

 And now we're not even attempting to point it in the right direction....

 And here we are actually attacking the car with the sponge...

 And now we've lost all control and just gone completely wild!

 To be fair- I inadvertently got in on the action by dropping the hose directly onto the handle which then got stuck on the "spray as hard and far as you can" setting and then proceeded to soak everything around us including me.

Father's Day Trip to Busiek

On Father's Day we took Anna to a state park or wildlife area or whatever Busiek is. It's one of my dad's favorite places to go. It's a really pretty area and the creek was at just the right level. We waded down the creek for a while, looking for tadpoles, fish, dragonflies and crawdads.  Anna had a great time- she loves to splash in the creek and wade in the "rapids" as she calls the slightly faster areas of water, and best of all- to throw rocks. This last picture is a direct result of the throwing of the rocks... she picked up a really big one and the minute I wasn't looking, dropped in square on her head. Yep... right on her head. So Grandpa carried her almost all the way back to the car.

Grandpa and Anna 

 Throwing rocks

Splashing

 Crawdads

Looking at fish

 Grandpa is a very good teacher esp of science and nature

Grandma, Anna, and Grandpa bouncing on a log

Grandpa always takes care of his girls