I feel like I accomplished nothing today. Which is irritating because I actually accomplished quite a bit. I got our bathroom cleaned and all organized. Which is a big deal after a long month of using almost every single bathroom in the house and having all my stuff spread among them equally. Now I have all my things all neatly packed away in baskets and super cute metal pails that used to be Anna's but I stole them to store hair bows in. Dad hung my pretty white cabinets to store yet more things in neat little rows. Ah the pleasant feeling of organization! I have soem prettyifying that needs done in that room but I can do all that a little at a time as I need small lifts throughout the semester.
I worked on Anna's playroom some more. Dad hung almost all the pictures (have I mentioned he is spoiling me like crazy? ... its awesome...) A few more pictures and crafty things to hang on the walls and some paint and her wall stickers and her playroom will be ready to be photographed and placed on my blog and in my scrapbooks. Cause that's the reason we fix up rooms nicely right? ;) We have a few other minor construction things that need done in the room but as it makes for an amusing tale to tell on our own selves I'll make that room into a blog of its own when its all done and cute.
I worked on getting my piles and piles of ...well crap... out of my mom's beautiful spare room that I have managed to destroy over the last month of living here. I transferred shirts and pants and jeans and more shirts around from room to room and closet hanger to closet hanger. I organized Anna's clothes into things for the summer and things for next school year and put the correct ones on the super low hanger thing dad added so Anna could reach her own clothes and hopefully be in charge completely of dressing herself from start to finish. Ok well no way that ever happens any time soon but at least she can reach her clothes! I transferred random things that don't have a place yet into the huge book closet made into my storage closet to sit until I either decide exactly where they are going or put them permanantly on their own shelf in said closet. I made some important phone calls, set some appts, checked on some car insurance options, started my couch to 5K program, stood over poor Katie cat 3 times today so she could eat without Max chasing her away (yeah that's a new fun routine for everyday...), took Anna to dinner with her daddy, watched a movie with Anna for some girl time, charged my iphone so I can get my old music off of it, read Anna her night time story (well actually tonight it was a Garfield comic strip), assigned Anna her homework of writing lower case A's over and over again as this is the one letter the child struggles with for some reason- she seems to want to write them like an e, did some laundry, put away some laundry, talked to almost everyone I know, and now I'm blogging. Perhaps tomorrow I can repeat this day and I'll actually feel accomplished because it will all be DONE instead of halfway there!

New Hobby

So I love crafty hobbies. The list of things I want to learn is long. Today I crossed one off the "to learn" list and moved it to the "do all the time" list! yea!

Julie B taught me to knit a hat today and it's so cute!! She took a picture of me with the hat but I think we're all familiar with my no pictures of myself policy so it will not be displayed here. (yes Julie I did get the picture you forwarded to me- however, perhaps you should review my no picture of myself policy)

I let Anna pick out her yarn and she picked out a pretty purpley-blue-green-blackish yarn. Just trust me- its pretty. And the color is called Wizard which is great because she loves Wizards of Waverly Place. Oh crap - that was supposed to be a secret because its way to old for her to be watching and I haven't taken up the fight to make her stop turning on the tv, changing it to 66, and watching it when I'm not looking yet. Don't judge me.

So, I love knitting hats. I will be learning to knit hats with cute flowers or buttons on them, scarves, mittens, etc. So... that means everyone I know will now be obligated to exclaim in delight when they receive something knitted by me and to wear it with joy all winter long. :)

Anna's birthday party

Anna turned 5- which is unbelievable first of all- this month. Her party was this last Saturday. She had such a fun time with all her friends and I am so thankful for everyone who came out to make her day fun for her! Here's some pictures...

Celebrating being five!

 Playing ping pong with grandpa on her new "Anna size" ping pong table

Rocker girl

ok this is obviously not Anna- it's Katelyn. And I threw it in cause isn't she so crazy cute? :)

 Just a little before party attitude!

 Waiting for the party to start

 Waiting on cupcakes

 Seriously... less picture taking, more cupcakes!

 Anna has some really great friends

So excited to open presents she just sat right on the ground

 Ripping them open

 Awesome present!!

 More presents- the child likes her some presents!

 Brave enough to climb the tree now that she's five...and after she saw Greyson do it. Thanks a lot Julie...

 Birthday girl with her balloons... and a sucker

 Out of order...oops... putting the sprinkles on her cupcakes

 Again out of order... entertaining Katelyn before the party

Absolutely nothing to do with the party- but she's so adorable!!! How can you resist this face?

Today

Too tired tonight to come up with a catchy blog title. I just applied for several jobs (pca not nursing) at the hospital. Aside from the fact that I'll be away from Anna and I don't like her being away from momma too much, I'm excited about the possibility of a job there. I really hope I get called. Apparently, they take like 3 mos to process applications- which might be ok timing since Anna would then be in school. There's an opening in the neuro icu I would LOVE to have....

Dad hung several of my favorite pictures of Anna today for me and spray painted another one of my storage/scrapbooking/display things to hang tomorrow. I spent several hours today organizing and throwing away and combining all my stuff to fit it all in one area! Tomorrow I'm watching some friends of Anna then when they're momma comes back we're all going to the pool so the girls can swim. Makes me happy for kiddo to get to play. She needs a diversion. Then tomorrow night I need to make up 48 cupcakes and get ready for her party!

We're heading to KC Saturday to see my gma. I've been promising to get up there for several months. And we have to do Anna's bday stuff with her too.

Still a long list of things to accomplish this summer but I'm starting to check things off!

And so it begins

I'm not gonna lie to you- this divorce things sucks like no other. It really hurts to know you're not even missed or mourned at all. That you were simply in the way of someone's life. Sigh.

Anna is having mini breakdowns. It's so weird. We have tears and sadness and questions one minute then she's just fine the next. I'm hoping that means she's adjusting. I'm so lucky to have so much love and help. I've gotten so many emails and messages from everyone. It really helps so much to know people care. I guess that kinda answers a question I always had. I never knew whether to "bother" someone with a text saying I was thinking of them in a time of need. The answer is "YES!!" Send the text or email or IM. The ones just simply saying "I care you're hurting, I'm here if you need me" are so wonderful to receive! It's easy to feel alone even when surrounded by loving family so a friend or family member reaching out and saying "You're not alone" can make all the difference in the world.

Ok. Enough of the depressing crap. It's time to begin living again, to start work on all those goals, all those things I've always wanted to do. "Our" room (Anna's loves the fact that its a girl room and just for her and mommy) is coming along nicely. Anna and I took some pictures of the immense mess it currently is because first of all- I love to scrapbook and I can already see scrapbook pages coming out of this. And secondly, I like having records of things. I'm weird like that I guess. It's crammed to the gills and overflowing into another bedroom that will become the playroom. That room will eventually get painted as well. As you can tell we are settling in for a long stay. My poor parents. ;) I guess you can go home again. The plan currently is to finish up my RN and BSN immediately and start work asap. Then I'll get my MSN... in something. I haven't decided that direction yet. I'll def stay at least a year here. It's likely I'll stay longer because it gives me a very unique opportunity to save up lots of money to get Anna and I into a cute, snug little home someday in the future. I've already decided I'm forever sticking with the "things that make me happy" style of decorating as opposed to the "well I think this is how I'm supposed to do it" style. That never worked out well for me anyhow. Mom and Dad swear they don't care how long I stay and then I joke that I'll just stay til they need me to take care of them in their old age. ;) I'm sure there will be people that judge me for living with my parents in my 30's but...well I just don't care. So there.

I still have lots of things that I need to do once job one of getting this poor overflowing room looking something like a home as opposed to an overstuffed closet is done. Anna needs in swim lessons and probably gymnastics. I need to learn lots and lots and lots of things. I need to get Anna's summer homework schedule started. Let me take this opportunity to be an obnoxious proud mom and brag that she is adding and subtracting so well already!!! We're going to work on math and writing skills this summer, as well as continue her reading. She really impresses me with her reading skills. She might be a genius. ;) I need to get to work on my baby book, my memory book, my scrapbooking pages, Anna's photo albums, the list is long.

One of the many things I like about living here (peacefulness, help with Anna, peacefulness....) is the fact that I get to play with my sweet baby niece so much! I guess I forgot how wonderful it is just sitting and holding a baby. She is just getting so freaking cute and cooing and smiling at us. I'm sorry for all of you out there that don't get to hold her!

I am taking Anna swimming in my wonderful friend Julie's pool today. Have I mentioned how wonderful it is to have friends who invite you over anytime because they know you no longer have access to a pool and you had promised your daughter to play at the pool any time she wanted this summer? However, ENOUGH to the heat already. I hate summer.... I know, I know. Blasphemy. But I do!

Overwhelming

I took a long nap today. I think it was an strong avoidance reaction to the amount of work I need to do. There are boxes EVERYWHERE. And a whole kitchen full of boxes still to come. I think tonight is going to involve a lot of organizing. I do my best work when its dark out and no one else is awake. I'm a night owl like that. I really need to get organized cause the chaos is driving me batty. And the last thing I need is more battiness.

Things are starting to feel normal which is both good and disturbing. Good to have less sadness and homesickness but disturbing because it means that this is really happening. If that makes sense. I think I spent the first week or so just hoping I'd get a phone call saying "never mind, of course I didn't mean it, please come home because I can't live without you and Anna with me." Well obviously that didn't happen, but at least the adjusting is beginning. I think I've posted regarding my "denial folder" before. Well, it's being used for sure. Not as in "this isn't happening, I'll just pretend we're here visiting" but more denial as in just not dwelling on what is happening. Possibly not the healthiest way to handle it.... but it gets me through. It lets me smile and laugh and act mostly normal for Anna.

We're having to navigate the strange waters of living with the grandparents. My parents are great and make everything so easy. They work with me and make it easy for me to still be the parent and for them to still be the grandparents. Anna went straight to Grandma today after I had told her no about something so I had to nip that right in the bud. NIP IT!! as Barney would say. (that's for Dad)

Still get those weird sad little reminders of how different things are now. For instance, tonight I was talking about how my grandma used to cook bacon and then about how Anna loves to eat bacon with her dad. Then I remembered that I guess I won't be a part of any more weekend morning bacon/egg cooking sessions with Anna and daddy. That makes me sad.

Anna's birthday is tomorrow. I SO wish things were normal. This is the first big thing since things changed. I know we would have taken her someplace like Red Robin together and then given her presents together. Ugh. Well, I hope it will still be fun for her. I'm excited to see her open her presents. She's my reason right now. And that's more than enough.

Moving Day

Movers came today to dismantle my old home. DEPRESSING. Ugh. I dreaded seeing the house bare, dreaded the yuckiness of this situation. This morning I wished I could lay down, bury my head under the covers and let someone else handle this whole thing. But I didn't. I put a smile on my face and got to work. With the help of mom and dad of course. And Adam generously paid for movers to come which made the bad experience at least faster. I only had one slight give in to intense anger and one slight episode of a few tears falling. Held myself together other than that. Not too shabby. We didn't get it completely moved today- you don't realize how much you have til you try and move it. At least I didn't. And it wasn't exactly nicely packed in boxes with taped ends and the destination marked in sharpie either. It was more of a throw things in wherever there is room and a box and hope nothing gets smashed. One more room full of stuff and a few more things to take off the wall. Dad has ever so kindly promised to go over and get the last load for me so I don't have to see the house again. Huge sigh of relief on that one. I so appreciate my parents.

Anna and I are tucked into our beautiful new purple room. I love the wall color. It just says "come Amber, lay down your sadness, relax in the prettiness and girliness and peacefulness that is your new apartment". Ok it doesn't really talk to me but if it could that's what it would say. I already have some plans a brewing in my head for ways to just really turn this into a completely peaceful refuge that is just me. Not a house that has to be perfectly matched, perfectly put together, perfectly adult, but a little apartment just for Anna and I. Just someplace to have the things around me that I love, that make me happy. I'm going to get out every little knick knack that I've put away over the years because it didn't fit into the house or it was too young and revel in the colors and the delight they bring me. Little sparks of happiness and contentment are pushing up through the mounds of yuck to show me their promise. When I get the room all done I'll post pictures of my pretty little hideaway. We're already talking about painting my old bedroom for Anna to have as a playroom/bedroom. I keep telling my parents if they don't quit making it so easy for me to be here that I might never move out again! Just kidding! (kind've)

 

A sudden turn in my road

Obviously, everyone reading this knows my life has taken a sudden and unexpected turn. I thought about just shutting down this blog since "IT" happened, since I haven't been terribly faithful at writing in it anyway,maybe I don't have anything left to say, maybe it will make people uncomfortable to read it, etc. Then I decided, no, I'm going to pick it back up. I always liked having it as an outlet, as a way to journal things for myself and for Anna. The things I have to say may have changed and they may make people uncomfortable but no one has to read it if they don't want to! So, I will continue to blog. I think I might have some interesting things to talk about as I reach the end of school, start a new career, find my place and perhaps even a little bit of myself. On my own.

For anyone who has never had a spouse leave them, well, it comes with a lot unpleasant emotions. Rejection, such sadness, doubt, fear. You wonder over and over "what did I do to deserves this?", "why does he hate me so much that he'd force me to go through this" "who am I without him?", things like that. You see other wives, some of whom demand things you've never demanded, acted in ways you'd never act, and they are cared for, loved and sometimes even adored by their spouse. And you wonder why? Why you? What did YOU do that was so wrong you are to be cast aside after years and years, like you don't even matter at all. It's hard. It's tough. It's gut wrenching and heart breaking.

Weird things bring that stab of pain, that tightening in my chest. Like watching King of Queens. Or suddenly remembering that now I'm no longer part of a marriage, part of a pair. The thought that maybe I'll be alone and lonely for the rest of my life.The fleeting normal thoughts of "I need to tell him _____" and then the remembering that no actually... you don't. Trying to wrap your brain around the fact that you aren't wanted.

Keeping an ever watchful eye on Anna for any speck of damage, worrying that she'll have a worse life because of this- thats the worst part. You want perfection for your kids. I can't give her that. I can't even give her a stable happy family life. At least not in the traditional sense. I hate that. Man do I hate that. The guilt is overwhelming at times.

However, in so many ways, I am so so blessed. I have parents who took me and Anna in without even a millisecond's hesitation. Not only did they take me in, they are going to such great lengths to make this a soft, easy place to stay ... and recover a bit. I don't know what I'd do without them. The rest of my family also. Sisters, brother, my in-laws, even my uncles. Everyone is so encouraging and so supportive. I have great friends that call and check on me- making sure I'm ok, seeing if I need to talk, taking me to dinner and movie just to make sure I'm laughing still. I've been lucky that so far, Adam and I have been able to be civil and even friendly, leaving open doors, working together to be fair to each other and to make things as great as they can be for Anna.

Anna has adjusted astonishingly well. Of course, she's in grandma and grandpa fairy land :) She is played with and loved on 24/7 from everyone around her. We've had our teary moments for sure and I'm sure there will be more but so far, she's done wonderfully well.

We are fixing up a very large room in my parents home for Anna and I to occupy. We're going to make it super girly and super colorful. Anna is thrilled. Purple walls, crazy rainbow color of accessories everywhere. I'm hoping to be able to pick up things cheaply here and there to add in the color for her so its a fun place to be. After all, its not often that you get to go back to having a space where it doesn't have to look "grown up". We're going to get organized and situated with all our belongings and then get back to the job of enjoying the summer off together. This is the last summer that we'll have so much time together. Next summer I'll be working. I've promised her a summer of swimming, scrapbooking, artwork, reading, playing, singing, and fun.

I have no idea what the future holds. I had to throw away all my "to do in the future" lists because that future doesn't exist anymore. But I'm making new lists, learning each day to be stronger. I'm taking the time to figure out who I want to be, how I want my daughter to see me handling adversity. I'm resting in the arms of my family. I'm making plans for the rest of the summer, for the jobs ahead that need doing. I'm learning how to celebrate things along the way. I'm storing up strength for the semester ahead. I'm learning to take one day at a time, learning to leave the future alone for now, to get through the task of this day, this hour. I'll get there. Not so much on my own as I thought.

Exhaustion

1. We've reached that point in the semester where you can't quite figure out where all the time went, but there's still way too much left and all you really know is that you'd like to lie down and not move for about a week.

2. I love my fellow nursing students - even the ones who won't shut up even though you're already 30 mins past the time you should have gone home, the ones that are complete know it alls, and the ones that are just complete messes.

3. Favorite quote from neuro lecture this week "whenever you have things poking in your brain, that's not good." Yes... it was my instructor.

4. My house looks like every drawer and hanger and closet threw up.

5. I'm super excited to be getting FREE lessons for Miss Molly! Oh, I guess I should add that she IS staying with us after all. A fellow mom from Anna's class is a fantastic dog trainer and she is working on a license so asked if I'd be interested in free lessons to me as they would count towards her hours. Uh... heck yeah!!

6. I kinda miss my crazy patients from the mental health facility.

7. I'm going to the NICU next week. It's an area I'm considering for my management next semester. Also high on the list is L and D. Adam says to go for it. I'm chosing the women's floor for my floor management as I think I'd prefer to stay in women's health or with the babies.

8. That's all I've got.

Cats rule, dogs drool

So I think everyone that knows Adam and I know our current dilemma regarding Molly dog. Its not her fault- we are terrible dog people. Like no one should ever give us a dog again ever. The problem I've had with Molly is that she just hasn't ever seemed to grasp the concept of not pottying in my house!! Other than that she's actually the best dog. Doesn't bark, doesn't ever bite or anything. So, after a year of frustration and the poor dog spending way to much time in her bed because we couldn't trust her not to mess in the house, I finally decided to see just how attached to this dog Anna is. Lately, she's been doing a whole lot of screaming and crying when Molly is out because she either was eating her toys or jumping up and scratching her face, etc etc. In fact, she usually asked me to put her away about 5 mins after she was let out. So, I might have done some light convincing and even a smidgen of manipulation and a whole lot of bribing to convince her of what I already knew- she didn't really want this dog. Apparently I did a good job because she ended up proclaiming that she HATES the dog and wants her to go away right now. I promised her two kitties and a fish to make up for the fact that our hopes for a good dog didn't exactly work out. This worked out perfectly for me because kitties are obviously the best things ever. So, we put out the word about Molly needing a good home. Of course, I don't want her to just go to anyone- i want her to go to someone that will take better care of her than I do!
Well, about a week before I made the decision to attempt to find her another home, a friend showed me some training techniques with a clicker. She was using it to teach her not to jump up anymore. It worked so well and quickly that I started using it to see if it would help with our pottying outside situation. Ironically, I think it worked..... so now our biggest problem with keeping Molly is gone! But Anna now has her heart set on two new kitties- an orange one named Max and a black one named..well to be determined. And Adam has his heart set on no dog and no more of me being mad about having to deal with her and no more of Anna screaming. Poor Adam. And of course, I am kinda thinking I'd like to keep Molly now....
I'll keep you updated....    :)